Lessons

I always believed  a picture is worth a thousand words. Until, I saw FB summarising what 2014 was like for me. Maybe, I  shouldn’t be so hard on our favourite platform. I am after all a seasoned deceiver.
These days only the written word seems to be worthy of my honesty. The ambiguity of it comforts me…Each word, even a punctuation seems like an affirmation-‘I Am’. An exercise sometimes, in futility and always for posterity. My memory after all perpetually fails me.
Here go my thoughts, taking a detour, yet again! Where was I? Oh yes! summarising the year of the meltdown -2014.
The good thing is-  at 16, I locked my self up and refused to come out of my room. Ever since, I have been terribly afraid of the recurrence of such an episode of hopelessness. Escapism has helped me many a times. But like my Dad asks, “How much can you run?” So this year I stopped running. I stopped running to places, into my work, into mobs, towards men. I stopped and I cried and I struggled with my own mind, every single day. Fought my inner demeons. It seems I will have to fight them for a while.
I wish I  could very poetically say ‘I have emerged a stronger person.’  I don’t feel stronger, I  feel exhausted. But I now know that if I ever breakdown again, I will handle it. I can handle it on my own!
Though, I will always remember this year as one of the worst year’s of my life. I will also remember it as the year I became less afraid of myself. The year I started appreciating my flaws-my ego and my stubbornness; my aversion to other women’s men. The year, I started accepting I will never be a people pleaser. The year, I understood that people who claim to be honest are not liars they are just silly.
I will remember this year, as the year I stopped believing in Frogs and Princes. The year I realised no one is coming to rescue me. When I realised I don’t like things that become too common. The year I became kinder to my own kind. The year I became absolutely certain that a Supreme Energy watches over me.
I will always remember 2014, as the year I changed and became my own hero!

16th December Kranti

IMG_7350

16 December Kranti-A Call For Rape Free India

IMG_7339

#Dec 16th meeting-Call for Damini Laws- Call for death penalty for all the rapists in the Damini Case.

puneet

A call for Police and Judicial reforms.

Corner

Happy Birthday, My Love. This January I promised to let go off you, just a bit…’Remember no man ever lived without dying. Remember the things that you wanted to be. Nobody ever failed without trying…Through time walk with me. With your hands set me free.”

But I have missed you more this year than any, since you made your way across the moon. It’s not just because everything I clung to since your passing has disappeared into a black hole. Nor because I realized that blood is thicker than water. I’ve missed you because you were the only person who could make smile when I cried. it’s not loneliness. God has always been kind to give me enough people, who will hear me whining away to glory. But to understand the obsessiveness of it, they would have to be our mother’s child.

The last year of your life keeps playing on mind, these days. The hopelessness, the sheer confusion, the need to cling to anyone and anything and still feeling lost all the time. Partying one minute, crying the other. Forgive me if you ever felt alone in that state.

I think it’s part of our genetic disposition to chase rainbows. You were chasing yours and I can’t fathom what I have been doing. All I know, is that I miss being in your corner and I miss so much having you in mine.

Delhi Queer Pride 2014

IMG_7139

Delhi Queer Pride Parade on the 30th Of November 2014

IMG_7144

Artist Anita Dube, at the Delhi Queer Pride Parade, 2014

IMG_7199

The cute ones.

IMG_7117

Everyone came together from the LGBT community to celebrate and to protest.

Unknown

Chef Ritu Dalmia, at the Delhi Queer Pride Parade.