The Things I Want

I’m constantly accused of going through life not knowing what I want.It’s only fair, I lack both masculine as well as feminine  ambitions.So when I meet people who want to hook up or set me up  they always ask, ‘But what is it that you want?’. ‘I always get what I want and I never want what I can’t have!’ I think to myself. But I don’t say that out aloud because it’s a brain teaser, akin to- ‘the end is the beginning and the beginning is the end.’

‘Want’ the demonic word- the word that the world imprisons you with. I have spent very little of my time thinking what I desire and more on what I don’t-selection by elimination.Plus, I’ve always found it easier to say -‘No’ whereas saying the word ‘yes’ to most things, makes me nauseous. But like some of my other terrible habits that have become the bedrock of my pleasant personality, it’s time I changed this or it’s just the alcohol talking.

I’m so tempted to start with- ‘I don’t want to live like other men, do’ but I guess that will defeat the purpose. I wish I could say ‘but I just want to be happy.’ Na, I want to see all the terrible things that are to see-famines, floods, conflicts…earthquakes. So that  I’m always aware that with just the slightest twist of fate, everything can be lost. I want to mingle with the differently abled, the heartbroken and the downtrodden  so that I become aware of the human potential for survival.

I want to feel every emotion there is to feel…I want to be tempted by my goodness and by the devil within me, too. Swaying from one emotion to the other, till eventually I find my natural equilibrium.

I want to find a constructive channel, for my passion, na that’s not it…what do they call it? ‘Garam khoon’ before it consumes me and I want to stop being afraid that it’s going to!

I want a hundred butterfly kisses in a single day.

I want to drive by my favourite spot in the city and find the words,’You’re mine, you crazy woman!’, painted on it. Not will you, can you, please- mind that! I want to respond by saying ‘I hate you,a#/^&%/ ‘. I want to find someone, who’ll know what that means.

I want to be inspired and pained and tormented and taught. I want to fall so many times, I become unafraid of falling and fail so many times that I become unafraid of failing. 

I want to spend my days with people who talk about ideas, love, spirituality, creation, aspiration.

I want to stand still and watch the world pass me by.

I want to be brave enough to fall in love, someday. The kind that remains unchanged by time, distance or separation. 

I want to live with a family, that eats and prays together.

I want that I should always have three wise friends. One who supports me in good times and bad, one who tells me all the bitter truths about myself and one who inspires me to be better. I want that I should be at least one such kind of friend to my loved ones. 

I want to die, the way I live. Listening to blarring music, on a lone highway, with the windows rolled down, the wind blowing through my hair…with one arm stretched out. I want to be buried with under a tree, if cremated I want my ashes to sprinkled on my spot in Delhi. 

I want to be attached and detached from everything.