The Man-Child is giving me sleepless nights. Don’t mistake it for the throes of romance but my highly evolved defence mechanism just driving me up the wall. I stuff my face with a MC Chicken and Fries, endless amounts of chocolates and yet sleep evades me. I pace the basement, go the the ground floor, play a while with my phone and nada. No sleep.

‘I know you intentionally made sure that we wouldn’t speak before I left.  You knew I wanted to and that’s why you didn’t want to!’, he accuses me. After all, I haven’t replied to any of his messages and calls because it’s all a bit overwhelming for me.  Though he seems a little hurt I keep wondering what is amusing, him so. ‘I miss you’, he says rather sweetly. ‘It’s been twelve hours since you left the country and you miss me already? Send me a list of movies you steal your dialogues from- so that I know how the female character is supposed to respond.’ I miss the mark again…he finds it funny.

You know most days, I can just walk into a room and piss the entire room off by not even uttering a word. I shit you not! It’s my special power, I’ve had it my entire life. Unfortunately, this one is just as obstinate as I am. We banter for a bit and I return to my spot on the stationary cycle, in the gym. So damn, amused by him.

At 5 a.m, I’m wondering if the combination of owning the Rabbit and  having enough people to speak to and hang out with is the reason for my absurd behaviour? What kind of a guy are you looking for the Bengali babu, asked me a few days ago. ‘I’ve never thought about it. I just want to be looked at- the way a child looks at candy floss.’ Aren’t you a bit old for that? You’re not 16 anymore!’, he’s aghast.

People find my answers absurd but really check out a matrimonial column, or not, just speak to a twenty something year old. This is what they want-‘Fair (can become dark with enough exposure to the sun), good looking (looks will fade with age), well-settled (life is such a roller coaster, one minute you have money the next minute you don’t), funny (I have no use for wit) etc etc.

I love this ad that I found from a Google search. This is a woman after my own heart- ‘Beautiful female, 29, musician is looking for a 22-30 yr old male.Should be working in some field of art, photography, theatre, painting etc. There should be no pressure for child-bearing and freedom for long periods of time when required. Interested please contact- love_all1@indiatimes.com.’ It’s inspired me to write my own. ‘Slightly nutty,  four feet something, average looking, 37- year old woman looking for a boy either at least a decade younger or older. Should be incredibly patient, very generous, extremely sincere (should tell the truth, irrespective of how terrible it is) and fiercely loyal ( monogamy isn’t imp, emotional loyalty paramount). Work, money, looks , social stature, are inconsequential. Should love babies, have a sharp memory, have the ability to mingle with people from all walks of life and preferably be tall (only for compensation sake). Interested candidates try to bump into her at her usual haunts. She believes in serendipity.’

I can thank Mr Roy, at last I have an idea of what I want. Come on , come on Mr Right, your disaster awaits you!