Three Years Later

There are moments of weakness, I wouldn’t want to forget and then there are those rare moments of maturity that I would want to look back at when I’m being my vile, unforgiving self. I think I  should mark, today.

Got a call from my lawyer friend, one of the few people I didn’t lose in the separation. A year ago, he made a beautiful baby boy, with his wife of course. Unfortunately, I hadn’t mustered up the courage to see him-wanting to avoid all conversations about the ex, coming face to face with the woman or even the mutual friends who cast me away.  But like I decided, 2017 is my freaking year and before my ‘kismat paltos’ and becomes fabulous, I better forgive the ones who ostracized me.

Easier said than done. Spent the night tossing and turning, recalling the first photograph I saw, of all of them together at a mutual friend’s house. I howled in my mum’s lap- the way a child does when it’s lost its favourite toy. The phone never rang pre or post that pic. Like the psycho I am, I saved it as a reminder – keep everyone at a two arm’s distance. Until recently, when my phone was stolen. Over the past three years I’ve heard many stories, indirectly, from distant friends, co workers, gallery owners- my love life made the rounds. They were many- with a propensity to gossip, I was alone with no ability to defend. Plus, I enjoy a certain reputation, ‘bad se badnam bura’, it makes me feel like a man.

Floods, earthquakes, stone pelting, I’ve seen many things…barring dragging myself out of the depression, this is the hardest thing I’ve done in the past three years. As I entered the pre school, I wished I was walking in with a man who could steady my hand and tell me,’ I got your back, babe.’ But I gave myself an imaginary hug, put on my best smile and remembered a wise man’s words,’ when your time is bad all the people who were nice to you, will turn against you and when your time is good, even people with the worst intentions will do good things for you. It doesn’t make them good or bad. God creates obstacles for you- to change the course of your life, to make you grow. No one is good or bad. It’s what you need to face, to become who you are meant to be.’

It was a pleasant afternoon, not much had changed. The conversations remained the same. I was pleased to meet a few, towards the rest I was just indifferent. I’m glad I went but turns out there are somethings I don’t like doing alone!