Wake up with a startle. Another night goes by listening to nonsensical, drunken chatter. Of course that shoots up the BP, again, of course that plays on my mind, in a loop.
Half an hour later, another desperate message from a distraught sibling whose lost ‘her life’. About a week ago, I saw the same hopelessness on a close relative’s face and a loneliness that eventually, finds a permanence in the heart.
We’ve been conditioned to loose our parents. Though, terribly scary it’s the law of the jungle , where the old is to give way to the new. We’ve seen our friends, colleagues, even our parents, go through it. Knowing that we are going to, never mitigates the pain I’m sure, even if your parent has been suffering from a prolonged illness, even if you live far from them, even if you dislike most things about them. I assume, each time you get into trouble, you wish they were around, to advice you, scold you and coax you to do things, their way.
But when you loose a sibling, you loose your partner in crime, your secret keeper, your confidant, your backing, your closest friend, your confession box, the one person you can discuss all personal issues with…without the fear of being judged. You loose your childhood diary, the person who will remember things about you, even you’ve forgotten; the person who has faced the same insanity, known the same loss. You loose the one person who you can yell at, who will still look at you the way no one else ever will, like your there’s, like they get you, forever.
For me there is no greater loss and no one luckier than the one feels that excruciating pain. In a world, where there are so many who are estranged from there’s, to have shared that bond with your’s, however short lived, is priceless and so worth the pain.
‘I don’t know how to move on,’ flashes on my screen. ‘It will take a long time’, I find myself typing. ‘Forever’, I find myself thinking.