Another year has passed without you. I’ve missed you lots, the past six months, I’ve cursed you more than usual. Not just because our Mum has one foot out of the door…is slowly slipping towards your side. But there are plenty of other things.
So, I won an award and kept driving around, crying not wanting to come home because you are not here. The joyous, celebratory moments are harder, since you were not great at handling the tough situations in the first place. Though, having you around to handle the father would have been a blessing. He’s loosing it and how! Uffff and double uff, there are more complaints I get about his bad behaviour than he must have gotten about mine, during my teenage years.
Then there are the boys. The moment I threw that box and ran out of the car, I missed you more than you can imagine. You would have sat me down and tried to calm my, commitment phobic brain the way you did, a million years ago, before I started seeing Kts or we would have burst into peels of laughter at my reaction, the way we did in the past. If you were here I would have apologised for thinking you were being melodramatic, when you said you loved two people at the same time. It took me a long time to understand the depths of those feelings. That’s the funny thing about love- a person can do anything in the world for you and you won’t feel it for them and if you do separation, distance, death nothing changes those feelings.
Today was tough-
‘We haven’t seen you in such a long time, I wasn’t expecting you’, he said, as his wife glanced over her shoulder.
‘You were the first person I saw at the hospital when my brother died. Did you really think I would forget that?’ I though to my self. But I just smiled sheepishly, when I looked at his grief stricken face. Plus, I had to be there for old time’s sake. It’s obvious I think about you, at prayer services but don’t judge since you couldn’t handle any morbid situation, in any case.
Our darling mother told me the other day, that I am her mum. Reminded me of you. When I started seeing GD you said, I was transferring all my feelings for you towards him. I don’t know about then but I most definitely did after you passed away and now I have transferred all those to her. When she goes what will I do with of all these feelings? Or maybe I’ll be seeing you before she does. There’s a lump, has been for a while…
Anyhow, you’re a lucky bastard, you have someone who misses you everyday. Hum marenge sala, koi do ghante nahin royega!