I’ve heard God only gives a soul as much pain as it can take. I would also hear from people, while my mum was alive and ofcourse after she passed away, ‘She must have done something in her previous life, to go through so much suffering.’ By that logic my grandmother lost three children and a grandchild before she passed away. What a sinner she must have been! I love when people talk about life, death, rebirth, God with certainty. The only thing I’m certain of is I don’t know, I don’t know whether there is a God, or what happens after death or is there reincarnation. If I was a religious being I would be certain of something. If I was a follower I would know but a seeker, always seeks, without a conclusion.
But when you love someone, that’s a scary thought. Normally, for myself I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass, the devil has my soul but I pray like an old superstitious, woman for her’s. It’s a bit nuts and is filled with heap loads of hypocrisy, but when someone says something, I’m like ‘ya, ya, let’s do this!’. I don’t care whether it’s right, wrong, nonsensical, I ain’t taking a chance with her’s.
Though, when I put aside the cocktail made of fear, mixed with guilt and hopelessness, I do wonder why would I think, my mother’s life was anything but a glorious existence? Yes, it wasn’t like a lot of people’s lives, easier ( materialistically) and harder otherwise. Warrior women have battle wounds…it’s an honour to be a part of that tribe. My mum had many ( her entire chest was burnt, she went into battle with her darkness). Most people don’t even know, they have a dark side. My mum delved in deep, into her’s , played with the devil and came out, giggling like a school girl!
While my darkness tries to encompass me, I realise, sometimes it isn’t that easy to get out of it. One wrong move and I will go sliding down quicker than I can imagine. I may not emerge stronger, but may get lost there. So, I’m grappling with things, looking for alternatives.
First things first.. I went back to my page. I’m sure a lot of people would be feeling like I do, right now. I’m sure they must be feeling worse, since I have all the privileges in the world. It’s the best thing I did. It activated the need the shoot, so I took out my camera and most probably I will try to go back to work, as soon as possible.
While I had all kinds of drama unfolding around me, there were people who were sending me love and light. Amongst those were childhood friends, who couldn’t be a part of the last rites. While my soap opera of a life is, entertaining people around me, I started focusing on the people who didn’t have that need. Though my aunt and my ex assistant are the legs I stand on, I don’t know if it’s the lockdown or SC, requiring a lot more care than I can give her but I started by thanking the people I had, in my life.
Worked like magic! The beautiful messages I received in the past month, were resent to me in one day. On a day, when I needed to be reminded of something nice, of support, strength and love, bam it came with such a powerful force. It may not have meant as much to the one’s who wrote it as it did for me to read and hear it. All of us are watched over (by I don’t know who, God, angels , some power) and as soon as we ask for help, we get it.