God knows!

So on a day, when for the first time in a long time I thought of getting over with it and the only way I could deal with all those feelings, was by sleeping, God had other plans.

Being a little bit not normal gets aggravated before the menstrual cycle. With the amount of stress I am under, it made me terribly agitated and extremely melancholic, today. So I did what I do, locked myself away. It’s just for symbolism, the help would be the only one who would notice, in any case.

Out of the blue, the phone started to buzz, with messages from friends who had been trying to get in touch, generally. A number of video calls and chats later, I’ve survived a day. Pretending to be fine, actually makes you feel a bit okay, sometimes.

I always mocked those, suicide awareness messages, people shared on their fb walls. ‘ if you are feeling like this…know that you can call me, blah, blah and all that shit’. I always looked at those and thought, ‘these people would throw, the poor person who calls them, under the bus, themselves!’. I am partially right in my assessment of this world, in fact I’m not cynical enough. But on the other hand, I may have lost sight of how the universe functions.

The best piece of advice, came from a friend, a little while ago, who generally messaged to give her condolences. She asked me to let go and let someone in. To which I replied, ‘ I tried to and in the bargain lost friends rather than finding any solace.’ To which she replied, ‘the true and hard nuts always come around!’ Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. Maybe your life becomes a soap opera. The voyeuristic tendencies, of everyone coming to the fore. Who knows? The universe on the other hand, ensures you remain glued together, by any means possible, through anybody it can, for as long as it wants you to!