Now that I have vented, to the best (worst) of my capabilities, one feels a little better. One’s forced ones self to think in the direction one has been avoiding , no, not marriage but photography.

Since one is a bit under the weather, one’s not been walking and has just been horsing around on the keyboard. The brain games, one keeps playing to distract one’s self from everything, are failing to do just that. Suddenly, while practising some chords amateurishly, I felt as if I was observing myself, from a distance. Like one was the performer and the audience, at the same time. Though, it’s not the first time it happened, this detachment, was needed, right now. Wouldn’t it be nice, if we could just observe ourselves like that most of the times rather than get caught up in the moment and feel traumatised, scared even ecstatic?

So, one looked like a whinny, little privileged brat from that vantage point, honestly. I thought I would have to go to Kashmir, to slap some sense into myself but voila! when it needs to dawn on you, I guess it does. Not to mitigate or trivialise my own suffering but really in the middle of a pandemic, if you’re going to whine about how unfair life is, someone needs to shake you up. Unfortunately, I don’t listen to anyone. Let me just figure the takeaways, the lessons that I have learned.

Being alive is a privilege- There are too many people, who die young. My brother couldn’t make it to forty and my Amma, had set her self on fire before she was my age. So I, more than anyone else, should be most grateful for my life. Up until this moment, I never thought that I should try to protect myself a little, not put myself purposely in harm’s way, I should stop the subtle mocking. One should stop this crazy flirtation with death because one needs to live a long, happy life for the one’s who have departed. Be everything that they would have wanted me to be, dance, sing and be merry for them, go everywhere they would have wanted me to go! If they are watching over me, I’m sure, neither of them is enjoying this Meena Kumari act. Plus, at my mother’s funeral, someone repeatedly, asked me if I was going to commit suicide! I thought to myself, which I just remembered, ‘ wow, how thoughtful people are! Coming and asking a person who is depressive and has a history, if they are going to commit suicide, at their weakest moment? What compassion!’ Fact check, if I was to die today, it would benefit plenty of people I know, financially and otherwise. Would I want to make so many people happy? Hell no!

Suffering is growth- It doesn’t feel like that but if my cynicism and my bitterness, don’t kill me and I somehow miraculously channel my angst, it will help me grow as a person. It could make me many lovely things, if I just get past it.

Even if people want to, they can’t always be with you and there’s a reason behind that. God wants to make you, your own hero.

Praying doesn’t help the departed, it helps you deal with your loss.

Faith can relieve many a burdens but it can never put your heart, back the way it was.

You can never stop loving, the one’s who have left. But you can make space in your heart and your life for other people.

Loss changes us inexplicably. But it’s upto us, whether we want it to be for the better or for the worse.

Heaven, hell, beginning, ending; everything is a matter of perception. No one knows about the meaning of life and no one knows what will happen, when you die. Just roll with whatever suits you, whatever makes loss and living, tolerable even joyous. The mind is powerful yet it can be completely delusional. Learn to manipulate it, positively.

Money, unfortunately, makes the mare to go and people can truly do anything for it. Be cautious, it can truly be a matter of life and death– Honestly, this is a lesson, I think everyone should learn well. After Mum and SSR’s death I’ve become super duper practical. Marriage is no longer about romance, it’s a contract and that contract definitely requires a prenuptial agreement.

We are defined by our gender, so what, live with it.-There are many women out there, who have gone through a lot more than I will ever know. From rape, to sexual abuse, domestic violence, so and so forth, unfortunately the list, is so long. It will take me a long time, to get over, how my female relatives, especially my sisters who I have always stood by, behaved. How some of my female friends behaved in the past five months! Most people I know were rather pleased, I was going through, what I was. I needed to be put in my place, after all. My Dad always says, ‘ women are each other’s worst enemies!’ But I have to wonder why? Maybe it’s because such few of us get a seat on the table, that the one’s who do, start to imitate the men and the one’s who don’t resent the one’s who have the seat. So, I don’t think this will change anytime soon. If I keep paying attention to it, I’ll just end up resenting my own gender and rejecting my femininity even further. So, I got to pay attention to the one’s who were there, the one’s who gave me really sound advice and helped me through this.