Tere Bin

Tere bin sano soniya, huar koyo nahi labna..Jo de ruh nu sakoon chuke jo nakhra mera.

Dear Love,

Sunshine, happy now? This year must be better, with mum by your side. If we actually buy the story about heaven and hell, I seriously doubt our extremely adventurous Mother, would have landed up in the same place as you. Is God as forgiving to women as he is to men or does he too hold them by the same standard as society does? Is God a woman? If so she might have been kinder to our Mum or maybe worse. I wish you could tell me.

But I worry less about you. Do I love you less/ miss you less? Hell no! Itna cute koi aur nahin he na iss duniya mein, now that our Mother has gone, too. You know, how I would sometimes joke that my soulmate took one look at me and told God, ‘ hunne hi chukk le menu, ae dene di jagaah!’ . Maybe, our soul mates are not our lovers, maybe you were my twin soul. Who knows? Dil ko behlane ke liye, yeh sarre khyaal acche he! No man/boy still looks at me, the way you did, with a little bit of amusement and a lot of love. That doesn’t stop them from claiming it and it doesn’t stop me from not believing it. Eyes never lie.

Life, unfortunately, goes on without you. Suddenly, like you I find myself, wanting to go out all the time. Human contact has never been my style of escapism but it’s a new experiment. Meet people, listen to the good stuff, listen to the bullshit and not get hassled by any of it. Neither by the brick backs nor by the contempt. I better learn now or forever be misanthropic, which suddenly, seems like a waste of energy and an opportunity to tap on another aspect of oneself.

Jess took me out today and she was saying, ‘Diya I know you, since we were little…you’re not going to start meeting random people.’ Well, from one minute to another, I don’t know myself. Who am I in any case? The person who drives or dances with complete abandon, ecstatic some days. The person who some times can’t bear the idea of living one more day? The girl you loved or the woman the various lovers did? They all too will vouch for different versions of me! Tu bata de! Tujhe pata he? Tell me in my dreams, someday.