I’ll write about the day I had, witnessing the madness, as soon as I can get over this moment. Running, into the crowd and finding a man on the ground, a tiranga on his body, to cover his deadness. The voyeurism of us all, staring me right in my face. Rajdeep interviewing, his cameramen telling me ‘madam, don’t say anything live he!’. The farmers gathering around, the politics over a dead body. ‘Pick him up from the ground, you creeps!’ I want to yell. But the drama, is at play. He’s no more a human, just a dead body. The mob is getting agitated. I elbow, a few men, yell at a few more, I’m so sickened by the sight, I have to leave. ‘Let’s go before the circus begins’, I tell my Dad’s driver, who is so relieved. He’s spent the past few hours, trying to convince me of the same.
I come home, gulp down a few drinks but I can’t get the scene out of my mind. Somewhere, a mother will be weeping the loss of her child, a sister would have lost her best friend…somewhere, someone will be as sickened by this world, as I am sometimes.
Missing you like mad and the Wall, also a little bit. It was nice having someone around, who can’t be scared away. Kind of loosing my shit, a little bit. This winter is harder than most, this January feels worse than others. Move, move, move, go, do, do, do the mind keeps pushing me. Between dad’s work and mine, I’m just swinging like a pendulum, not wanting to feel anything. Growled at a poor unsuspecting creature, today, who was just trying to do his job. ‘Which person from history, would you want to be?’ he went. ‘ I can’t seem to get through my own life, you want me to imagine leading someone else’s?’ You know, better than anyone, how ferocious I can be. He was so taken aback, by me I realized, I need to pipe down the crazy quotient. Two days, in Pushkar, to calm the fuck down are desperately needed but I have some work day after and then this week is your barsi…fifteen bloody years since you left. Having fun up there or are you back in the grind? You don’t tell me, I haven’t reached there to know and I’m too pig headed to believe, anyone else’s version of it.
Oye! Who would have figured, our lives were going to turn into a stereotype? Did you ever imagine, that we could watch a film and go, ‘ oh shit! That’s my life or that’s so us!’ Saw this movie, called Tribhangana, I shit you not, the brother/sister relationship was just like ours and Kajol’s character, was as volatile as I am. After Dear Zindagi, this is the second time I’ve seen that on screen. Our Mum, would have fit right in, if she was 20, today! Nothing about her life or ours would have been unusual. Who would have thought that! You missed, the new normal, dude. We are the new regular! Not as much as I would like but getting there. People are still assuming we are supposed be heterosexual and monogamous. The former I can’t fix, that latent bisexuality that I truly believe all humans have, I can’t seem to tap into it. What a waste it would be, if I don’t, at least once in this lifetime. About the monogamy part, I still seem to scandalise everyone. Yesterday, a friend and I had this discussion and I said, ‘ someday, maybe when I will be fifty, I think I will be capable of it. Before that, I seriously doubt it!’. I said the same thing to our aunt, last evening. The idea of spending my life with one man, forever, I’ll be capable of if I know for certain I’m going to die, very soon. Barring these two things, we my dear, I’m reiterating, are the new normal!
Koi setting banayee he ke nahin uppar? Please use your clout with the Big Man, na! Every morning I pray to him, ‘he Bhagwan inn aurate ko kuch kaam de de, yaar, please.’ But to no avail, he doesn’t listen. Ten months of drama, bhai sahab, khattam hi nahi ho raha. From calls to the help, to each other, to my friends, to mom’s friends discussions like, we are murderers, to what time I wake up, to why are we not collecting people on mom’s varina, to my fucking non existent love life ( yeh abhi tak sabh 6 saal peche chal rahe he) these ladies, my God need jobs. Meri importance kitni he tujhe kyaa pata! The mornings begin with messages from our dear relative. I’ll receive four messages, three will be deleted and one will be a forward. Then this goes on throughout the day. There are around a hundred deleted messages on my phone, which she has sent and deleted. I have no idea what they are. I tried nicely, to tell the person to not do it but you know our genes, zidd to amazing he na sab me. The other day, not knowing what to about this, I posted it on fb as an attempt to make this nonsense stop.
What a firing I got from the Wall, when he saw it. ‘You know, they know, it disturbs you, that’s why they do it. How can you still get triggered? How can you know people so well and not control your reaction?’ He sounds just like you. He’s so pissed because my diastolic level is exceptionally high these days, my entire face is swollen. But nahi hota mujhe, if I could I would. Who the hell, wants their body and especially, their chest to be hurting like crazy? Control karo! Abbé yaar, karna aata to mein kar nahi leti? Kuch help kar, for a change, all those rakhis I tied were not for, ‘diya, yeh mujhe tang kar rahaa he, tu Bol! I fought all your battles when you were alive, you also do something, kuch kaam kar, meri to sunte nahi he, tu setting laga, inn logo ki life thodi interesting banva.
Incomplete post. Will write soon and then share it. For now, just want to put something up.