Cold, cold heart of mine!

I gave a quote about being single to someone, who had written about my work many moons, ago. Of course I took the onus of all my failed relationships and got calls from friends asking why I would do that publicly and let everyone off the hook. Well, I like being on the hook, it suits me just fine. Besides, ‘nice people’, like to live upto to the idea of being faultless, so they’re better at concealment, but karma has a way of levelling the playing field. So, don’t fret. Besides, itni colourful zindagi, carpet ke under sweep karne ke liye to nahin jee he humne.

I don’t get why people mistake honesty for self deprecation. ‘One should always tell the truth but not all truths should be told?’ or something like that, the quote goes. Maybe, somethings should be kept to yourself. But nothing that involves, another human being can be kept just between the two of you and when it comes out, you not having the third leg that gives men a free pass to do everything, will be blamed. So, always own your shit, is my principle because if you don’t, you will loose your personal power. If you do it, own it, if you can’t own it, don’t do it. One of the few rules one tends to abide by.

I don’t think I was ‘too honest’ as someone put it, I think I wasn’t honest enough. Let’s just get it out. I think it’s not just a lack of love for oneself but also this totally unrealistic expectation, that I’ve always had, from the men in my life. It’s like I expected them to magically heal all that broke inside me as a kid, which no one can do, right? That’s was for me to do. To play part father and part lover and whichever part the man played, I wanted the other. One has two terribly different shades, each with a different need. You would assume, my knowing this, would make me nicer, nope, so that’s why, inspite of all the notifications Tinder sends me, to become more active, I’m Haq Se Single.

Tera kyaa hoga life mein? they ask. I ask myself the same question. People read this and think it’s apt for the times we live in. ‘ Tum se pahle jo ik shakhs yahan takht-nashin tha. Us ko bhi apne khuda hone pe itna hi yaqin tha.’ When I read this, I shit you not, I can imagine myself saying this to the next man, I date. Yeh inherent niceness, jo he (not) uska kyaa kare?

Repeatedly, wherever I go, people keep trying to remind me I need company. The father keeps trying to convince me to marry the Wall. His recent observation of course is, ‘ jisko karna hi nahi hota, uske paas sau bahane he!’ But of all the gyaan, free advice, people give me about changing my status, the most astute observation came from an old friend, who noted, ‘ men keep thinking that have to compete with each other for your attention, when actually it’s with your inherent loneliness, that they need to compete. That’s what you’re not willing to give up, so you keep jeopardizing relationships. You have to be able to let someone in at some point!’ In my old age, like George Clooney, I too shall try. Fifty is my deadline. Until then, one runs till one finds someone wild enough to run with.