Ever since mum has gone, life’s become more difficult, much more than usual. So every fallacy, I had growing up, about things getting better eventually, have thankfully been shattered, leaving one with three options- Giving up in totality, disappearing or locking horns. Though, the first two are hugely enticing but something about the enormity of the pressure ( financially, mentally and emotionally), the difficulty and hopelessness of the situation, one finds oneself in and my mother’s life, stop me from gravitating towards what one is naturally inclined towards.
The life, that seems all hunky dory on the onset of course is filled with tremendous instability and chaos. The apparent perpetrator of that long gone, the actual one, still to be unravelled. So, one moves at a pace these days, that has concerned friends worried. ‘ Don’t you think you need to stop and process your grief? Be gentle with your self!’ asked me a friend, recently. That would be the sensible thing to do. But my maturity levels are definitely, not something to write home about! So, one moves from one thing to other, no longer in the quest for love or to find something to hold on to but to remain out of the house, just for the sake of remaining in movement. So that my basic masochistic nature, doesn’t over power better sense and the voice in my head, doesn’t render me useless.
I’m glad it does, though. One’s met some very interesting individuals in the past year. Fascinating to say the least and just when I almost gave up on my gender, I recently bumped into some women who with came their own fight, with their own struggles, their own battling of stereotypes. I never knew they could be spotted so easily. Women who walk as if they are reclaiming their spot on this earth, who sit with their legs wide apart, stating they’re the alpha, with just their posture. Who are as quick to light a cigarette as they are to help their own. Who abuse so easily and frequently they would put a sailor to shame but who cheer each other on, selflessly. Someone, once said, ‘if you feel out of place, you haven’t found your tribe!’ I don’t think I ever will, some of us are meant to wander by ourselves but I love the display of sisterhood.