‘It is said that unsophistication makes a man empty and that emptiness makes him carefree. It may be true among those who were born dead and who exist like frozen corpses; but the sensitive boy who feels much and knows little is the most unfortunate creature under the sun because he is torn by two forces. The first force elevates him and shows him the beauty of existence through a cloud of dreams; the second ties him down to the earth and fills his eyes with dust and overpowers him with fears and darkness.’-Khalil Gibran
‘Kabse Hun kyaa bataao jahane kharaab mein?’ pops up on my Fb memories and I wonder why the memories, seem relevant even today? Do people change? Have I? Not really!
Of course, one’s become more aggressive in the past year ( if that was possible) but that’s what small dogs, do , right? They throw a fit because their bite isn’t as good as their bark. So that’s the same, my male friends insist it’s funny! Trust me, they are the only ones who think so because if you ever see me yelling, believe you me, it ain’t a pretty sight!
As for the rest, one remains the same, SB remains herself and the other one- SC, I’m afraid, too remains exactly the way she was. They take turns once in a while, like these days, it’s SC’s turn, who is all sentimental and sad. ‘ I don’t want to be around people, right now!’, they surprisingly say in unison, one afraid her wrath will get the better of her and she will turn vicious, the other one scared she’ll catch what some people have- cowardice and cold hearts.
In a few days, one will be all of forty two years old. For someone who thought she would be dead by eighteen, trust me each year, after forty has seemed like a mighty achievement. Small wins,eh? Oh honey, big one, the biggest! There was so much speculation, the past year that I was eloping, that now all those who claimed it, have nothing to say! I love this about time, when people turn around and ask the ones who spread the rumours, why they’ve not materialised? But unfortunately, hypocrisy is a craft. So now I hear I’m getting a ‘ghar jawai’ an incredibly derogatory term! I should ask all these people who spend their precious time discussing me to also print this horoscope for future reference, it will make my life easier, I will follow it as I go along.
As for my nonexistent love life, which has only had tiny interjections of proposals from a few men I know, in the past seven years and three dates (with the same guy) resulting in an immediate tatoo about the exes on my arm later, the single and unfreaking willing to mingle phase is still on! Having said that, flirtation is in the blood, darling. One keeps a lid on it but I realized recently, it ain’t going to die down anytime soon. Someone sent me a message a few weeks ago, ‘teach me Punjabi’ at 5 a.m. If you know me, you would know what my reply would have been. Mujhe realize hua, apne dimaag mein me to badi mein hue nahin hu, lekin natak to karna padega maturity ka kabhi na kabhi. I was so well behaved, you would have been convinced ke mein sudhar gayee ho! No, no, no, that is impossible, my dear! Just because one ain’t acting on the impulses, doesn’t mean one isn’t tempted to.
But dating seems like such hard work and I’m so lazy. First find a boy. Then have some random conversations. It’s when you run out of polite conversations, that’s what one finds problematic. Now, how do I sweep my entire existence under the carpet? I’m incapable of it. Every thing will come up and one doesn’t want to go through that rigmarole. It was so much easier earlier because all the men I’ve ever dated, had already heard enough about me, so they weren’t taken aback. As an experiment, I could throw a prospect into the lion’s den in the first instance, leave him alone with my friends or even family, they’ll pull out all the skeletons from my closet in an hour, I won’t have to worry about scandalising him, ever again! Na, every year I tell myself this is the year but the stone stopped rolling, a long time ago and it’s gathered too much moss! Besides, my buddies watch out for me.
Anyhow, the good news from the day my mother passed away ( 18th March 2020) up until now, is that every aspect of my life has been dissected. I think the only thing that has been spared is when do I take a crap? So, load off one’s shoulder in some way, one has been able to write whatever one wants to without an ounce of hesitation.
At times in the past year, I have worried for my sanity, wondered if one is just imagining that humans are capable of kicking you when you’re down and out, even now I find such utter and total disregard for another’s existence and this callousness unbelievable, till I hear people’s discussions and then reality hits me in the face. Most people are silly enough to think, that what they say about other people behind their back, doesn’t reach them.
‘Why aren’t you talking to us?’ people ask. ‘Well, even if I sit, stand and don’t utter a word and it’s still something that needs to be discussed amongst six people, then I can write and people can discuss all they want!’ I love drama, trust me I grew up with so much of it, my life seems empty without it at times but my face betrays me, even when I can hold my tongue. That’s remained the same my entire life, so why pretend? Life’s too precious to waste a minute, pretending that I’m going to fit into the box and not be a lucid confusion!