Snap out of it

‘Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.’

It’s strange how patterns reappear in a person’s life. It’s the Universe’s way of telling you to sort yourself out. Some may look at them as punishments and others as do overs. I think the Universe…Karma…God (whatever you call the trip you’re on) are quite gracious with chances. One’s always believed- Tu nahi to koi aur sahi, koi aur nahi to koi aur sahi. You can either have the mentality of scarcity or of abundance. One has to choose, at some point to either follow the trodden path, be afraid that if one screws up, everything will come to an end or to say ‘well, back to drawing board…let’s begin again!’

I think the latter, is more fun, no? It’s a life long adventure. ‘ Subject is prone to dealing with things through hit and trial method’ says the psychological profiling! Well, just read a synopsis of subject’s life and know there are more misses than hits but it has been one helluva ride. One got a great kick on my butt, recently or like my friend’s say, ‘someone pricked your ego and we’ve been waiting for that to happen, for months, so that you’ll snap out of this depressive mind frame’. Someone, I’ve known for almost three decades, called up around a month ago and said all kinds of stuff to me but the best thing he did for me, was he uttered these words. ‘ You’re having such a hard time, I think in a couple of years, you must move out of Delhi!’ In that moment, I didn’t think much of it. I just went, ‘ya, ya, we’re thinking about taking up a place in Goa.’ I’ve always wanted a getaway home, but Kashmir is an impossibility now. It’s too unsafe. So, one should be looking at getting a place in Kochi or Goa, at some point, in time.

Of course, as I get to know, how I get to know things, I did get to know what the intentions were. But it made me think- if at the lowest ebb of your life, the people you have surrounded yourself with, your entire life, ask you to run, there’s something off there. So, you got to take a fine tooth comb and run it through your existence and figure shit out. Now, a lot of people who’ve known me a long time, also say the exact opposite of what they want me to do ( my fault, I’m like a rebellious child: one usually does the exact opposite of what I’m told) so then again I need to re-examine my behaviour. Now, if I take the words on face value, that means I’ve surrounded myself with people who can’t face crap and so they are giving me advice based on what they would do! Which means I got to re-examine my choices in life. Irrespective, of what it may be, intense self reflection is obviously required.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m an eternal escapist! You should see me, when I come face to face with a man who likes me and wants to commit. I’ll run in every possible direction. But at some point you got to catch the bull by the horns. At some point you got to let your past mistakes make you wiser and not bitter. Months of therapy and almost two years of being stuck in my head, didn’t help me as much as, those kind or not so kind words did. Rebuild baby…rise!

An Ode To A Love That Shouldn’t Have Been

Let’s pretend this is a monologue akin to the many you and I have indulged in, where I would speak/write and get no response. It’s not a complaint, you get what you give and many who knew me before you, would accuse me of the same kind of non reactiveness that can drive another person nuts.

‘ I’ll get over it when the fat lady sings!’, I kept telling myself. I didn’t know, it would take so long and I hear it’s going to happen, soon. Somebody popped on my friend’s suggestion on FB and I figured from the common friends: that’s who it is! She seems sweet- like you and tailor made, to adjust to the family. After all these years, this seems to be the best time to really let you go. I’ve held on to you- clung to you for dear life, ever since I met you. Not just during all those years, when we knew each other but up until, now. Was I hoping you would come back? Na, I knew that was an impossibility. Did I want you to? Not as a man in my life- I’m going to end up with someone who looks at me like I’m a Christmas tree and I loved you too much, for me to fake a friendship. Can’t be friends with exes you carry residual love for, that’s just asking for trouble. So, I didn’t know why I wasn’t letting you go!

Up until, I trekked up to a water fall, with someone who knew you and we ended up having a chat about how wonderful you are! It turns out to be guilt. Yup, I hate to admit it, love yes, but more guilt. You would assume, that it’s because of how it ended but it’s not, because for that I have to feel guilty about a love that saved me from drowning…it’s for the way it started. The beginning they say determines the end. In our case it was just as terrible!

The onus of the disaster, that was unfortunately your first real relationship, will always be on me. They say, ‘Talli do hathon se bajti he!’ Na, when you’re in a relationship with a child and I don’t mean in terms of age ( well you were twenty and I was twenty five) but in terms of mindset, sheltered upbringing and barely any real exposure to women, the responsibility of not getting into it, is on you. But you were just so raw and cute, like a rugged version of Diljit Dosanjh right out of a pind. ‘ Tujse naraz nahi zindagi, heran hu mein?’ would play on mind, sometimes when I would look at you. Innocent and how! We were so different and yet you were so perfect, that inspite of my gut instinct telling me to run in the opposite direction, I just couldn’t.

How much Dustu, tried to explain to me, that I was just replacing him with you, like my maternal instincts have always been off the chart and I needed someone to mother. But I didn’t and you already had too many maternal figures. It’s not like all my options weren’t open at that time…it’s not like you were the most handsome man I ever laid eyes on. You weren’t the smartest or the richest either, like people have accused me. In fact, I would have had to adjust to your lifestyle, when I met you. But you were the kindest man I’d met and you were as nice to people who had less as you were to people who had more. That’s priceless. You didn’t smoke, you didn’t drink, you prayed and loved everyone. Plus, I’d always had a thing for mumma’s boys. They say, we look for what we aren’t in a partner and that’s what you were, the exact opposite- nice, kind, stable and most importantly came with a loving family. The black sheep had finally found the chunga munda, with ironically fair skin ( you know how obsessed my family is with it).

I ofcourse never got the same approval ratings from yours but I never have ( other than twice)…that’s on me, not on them. Plus, after loosing Dustu and especially after loosing Mum, I can understand their fear. My Dad, is as paranoid about someone enticing me for the wrong reasons. Did it all make me feel really insecure and undesired? Yes! Did the fact that it was never really a ‘let’s meet my friends’ or ‘this is my partner’ or lack of pubic display, make me really uneasy and unsure? Yes! Did the lack of intimacy, make it worse? Yes! Did the pressure after Dustu get to me? Yes! Is that an excuse? No.

I should have walked out and I did try. Right after the Singapore trip, I did call it quits. But it seems it was never really off the table. Not completely and totally. So it was complicated and screwed up and I should have been stronger and wiser. But I wasn’t! I was desperate, you were my last chance at redemption, it seems. The bad girl found the good boy and had a happy ending. But she couldn’t because her happy ending was supposed to be by herself!

My regret comes from corrupting you. You were a nice boy, who did the right things and thought the right way when I met you and I saw you transform into a man I couldn’t recognise. I wish it would have been for the better. My instability, I always feel rubbed off on you, while we were together. You couldn’t make me like you but I did make you a little like myself. That’s why I regret it. I regret I met you, not because of what it did to my life. My life would have ended this way, in any case. It’s what it did to yours! The one good thing is that through it all, I was brutally honest! You couldn’t stand to hear the things I had to say and I couldn’t take the things you hid! I did very dramatically, curse you for it, the last time I stormed out of your house, ‘ I know, you know and God knows what you did! It doesn’t matter what the world says…we’ll see how it goes!’ When I heard how things ended for you, I felt bad I said that. When I saw you last…you seemed to be the ghost of the boy, I once knew. That boy who hit me on my forehead to show affection, laughed uncontrollably, had to be held back by four men during a fight and listened to loud Punjabi music, the boy I looked at and thought, ‘ those are the best genes for my babies’….I will always love that boy but he no longer, exists. He grew up to be someone else. But the rest of you…I’m letting go off. I hope somewhere in the future , a few decades down the line…we can be friends. May new love bring you luck, a sense of direction, stability, the ability to take a stand and make you the best version of yourself. Love and light…now and forever.

P.S- you’ll probably not see this for years to come. But someday, when we’ll be old and grey, we’ll be sharing a drink and reading this. You surrounded by your family and I’ll probably be with a few cats.