Covid may have put a damper on socialising but its been my much needed break from society, at large. Am I ready to be integrated? Hell no! Hm, one was always on the fringes, in any case. Unfortunately, the mind may be stabilising ( I think) but the body is erratic. Diastolic levels have been up for almost a month now, so they suggest I should go about relaxing and meeting people, of course sleeping and loosing weight as well but let’s just put that on the back burner, for now.

Spent yesterday, gallivanting through the different sectors of Gurugram, catching up with the people I hardly get to meet. I don’t know how relaxing human interactions are for me though they’re entertaining, once is a while. Especially when one is looking for an answer.

For the past two years, as I’ve taken a fine tooth comb and ran it through my existence, many a buried feelings have resurfaced and they make it difficult for me to sometimes even breathe. In one moment flashes of burnt clothes, then a heartbreak here and there, occasionally love… death constantly looms in the background and suddenly appears like a flash card, moving at the speed of light. Highly dramatic, I must say…interesting to experience this level of a loss of control, where the hands quiver and you’re anxious to the point of uselessness. Interesting as long as it doesn’t become the death of me. Heart attack ain’t the way I intend leaving…sinking or swimming? I have no clue, this is a different roller coaster ride.

Anyhow, to keep one relatively sane, when one gets overwhelmed with all of the intrinsic unravelling, then there are extrinsic questions that one looks up, to distract oneself with. For example, why are women so terrible to each other? The psychological view turns out to be much more interesting than the sociological one. Which is- men and women both are equally aggressive. We are by no means more peaceful. Men as we all know are physically more aggressive, which makes it far more obvious. The experts say, that all this gossiping , backbiting , gathering of support and what do they call it, damaging of reputations is actually our genders way of expressing that aggression towards one another. So it truly ain’t no different than two men brawling in the street, this is just much more tactful. Makes sense. Now, one knows why one appears overly confrontational to most people, especially women because we’ve been taught to tango around issues, not catch them by the horns and ask what the fuck? Oh, plus, good girls don’t say fuck off, they make calls, to people to plead their case. So, claims JP but apparently Jp and I can sometimes seem a bit misogynistic.

The other view, which is from a sociology 101, textbook is worth a read, as well. The understanding of why women, agree with the patriarchal values that run through their ecosystems. I kept wondering why literally every woman I know, was so against the stand that I took, which was, ‘ No I will not give up my right over my mum’s share because she did not want that and you can’t force me because I don’t have a penis!’ Some day, when I’ll be a kick ass woman, it may sound like a good story but it was hell to go through! For this reason, till date I have to listen to, ‘ she is eloping…she’s sold of her mum’s jewellery and given it to some man ( try taking something from me, then you’ll figure out, just how easy that is) ..she’s doing this that and the other…her father is starving’ lah, lah and blah, blah, blah. Trust me, many a times, I have looked at the roof and gone, ‘ oh! God please save me from these women!’ to which the reply has been, ‘suck it up, that’s what you pay for your privileges!’

But the 11th standard textbook has a better answer. The experts say, this is the only option that seems available to most because women are afraid of exactly this, that one was put through- Breaking of societal/ familial ties, seeming overly aggressive, being accused of being greedy and even loosing face infront of their husbands and in laws ( thankfully, one didn’t have to worry about that). So, apparently all women harbour resentment against being treated unfairly or unequally, yet they feel as if the only way to maintain kinship, is by agreeing and perpetuating the system that fails them. Thank the Lord, youngsters are being exposed to texts like this.

The other thing that’s being gnawing at me, is this middle class morality! The answer to which has been perfectly laid out to me by my male friends. At almost forty three now, one’s love life has always been under the microscope, since it’s more eventful than society permits women to have. But in my head, I could always do whatever I wanted and one came from a household where everyone was very open. So, sex seemed just what it is- a biological need. No fuss, no fancying it up and making it sacred. Henceforth, one is always bewildered by women’s curiosity about who is entering and what is coming out of another woman’s body. Men seem to be so much clearer about this. Love is- what you feel for someone. Sex is a biological need and marriage is a social contract. They don’t seem to intertwine all of it unnecessarily. I know people who love someone, so much that they can’t get their minds off those people yet they don’t marry them or meddle or mess with the other person’s life. I know men who have sex outside marriage and there is absolutely zilch love involved in that process and I know many a men and women who have sacrificed love for societal acceptance-marriage to a spouse who will be accepted by the family.

I know one thinks like a man and definitely acts like one but one always wonders how did a gender, that can bear children and period cramps, that is glorious, beautiful, destructive and vindictive beyond measure, how does society still manage to retain ownership of its mind, its vagina and its freedom? Sorry, mine ain’t up for grabs!