From one lost soul to another

Whatever has to happen, will happen! Whenever, wherever, however, it’s supposed to.

Though, I have some really nice people around me at the moment, who have gone out of their way to ensure, I don’t loose my mind, sometimes one needs to hear an outsider speak, to realize things.

The same thing, though, was said to me by a person, I respect a lot (it’s a rarity trust me) but today it made more sense. I was added to a spiritual group by my aunt. Though I logged into zoom late (the meeting had already begun), the conversation they were having was about relationships. They were talking about how one should not react but respond to others and always try to converse immediately when there’s a problem. So one person, put up a valid point. What if someone is being unreasonable? Isn’t silence better. So the teacher responded, ‘ raise your own frequency! Your peace can’t be created by maintaining distance. The distance is making you feel that you’re at peace. It is your destiny to be in this position. There’s some learning there.’

Though, I was just a silent spectator, it hit home hard and then it occurred to me. Six years ago I had a complete emotional breakdown, someday, someone who witnessed it might tell you. But it was the scariest, loneliest time of my life, up until then. Six years later, one is in the same spot, scared, alone and feeling totally pushed into a corner. On the edge of insanity but something has changed. There’s a natural resistance to not wanting to go there. Though, there has never been a dearth of men, there’s no one whose shoulder one has been able to cry on for a long, long time. For a person, whose always needed a man, always, it has been the most self reliant time, of my life. I don’t know if it’s really by choice or by design.

Now, one is here. All those who care, can’t physically be with me. The one’s who are in the same city, are further away than they’ve ever been. The sense of it dawns, on me now. After my breakdown, I slogged my ass, got my life back on track and until last year, I tried to be a little in shape too. Now, one is a baby elephant, but no body shaming, allowed. In the past six years, I reconnected with old friends, made some new ones, got my work into a museum, travelled throughout the country, got an award for being me and started my own company.

So, that breakdown was a wake up call. That isolation was rewarding. So, if it all seems out of control, lonely and scary, there’s a part of me that’s also become stronger. That realisation is a gift. I may have the wall, to keep people away but I only have me, to hold myself, brush off the dust and rise again.

If things were not going, the way they are, I would have never started sharing my current state of mind on my page. I would have never received the lovely messages I have received from strangers of encouragement. There’s always a silver lining.

So for all you lonely souls out there. This is a request from one lost soul to another. It may seem lonely, the world may seem harsh but know that you will rise, like a Phoenix from the ashes..

If you’re ever told you are difficult, know that you might be different. If you’re told you’re weak know that you’ll regain your strength. If you’re told that you are not beautiful enough, rich enough, thin enough or smart enough, know that you are more than enough. If you’re told you’re looking for sympathy, be glad you have enough people you can talk to and enough opportunity to do so. If you’re damned when you are silent and damned when you answer your phone, know that you’re that important. If your silence is a game and so are your conversations, start playing chess, you’ll be brilliant at it.

Normally, a part of me, SB would say, also kick some ass. That’s the part that keeps me going. But my mother’s daughter, will say, don’t! The spiritual teacher, too said the same thing today, don’t! Aap apne sanskaar, karo, dusro ko apne karne do. You do the right thing, let other people do whatever, they please. You learn to forgive, knowing that other people bring with them a lesson, you need to learn.

‘Well, my mother was nice and forgiving, what the hell did she get in the end? Very few people came to see her, in the past few years of her life!’ argues a part of me. But it’s not about other people, it’s about you and what you will want to teach your children about this world. That’s what you need to figure out. Keep the eye on the prize and know you’re not alone. You be you, dull and depressing when you want and full of sparkle whenever you want! Shine on you crazy diamond ’cause we’re all lost souls, living in a fish bowl, year after year!

Ma’s birthday

www.facebook.com/622330648/posts/10158891356450649/

How rapidly things change! Within fourteen years, one’s lost three family members. First Dustu, then Raahat, now Mom and one’s left with just the one, who is hell bent on drinking himself to death. The one whose left, said to me, today, he thinks I’m strong enough to take it. Apparently, my tongue fools everyone that I can take all of it, without cracking.

Strength! What is it? ‘ You’re so brave, so strong,’ SB hears this, all the time. ‘Sher aaya, Sher!’, the men in the house chant in unison as I walk down the stairs ( I ain’t making it up). SC looks at SB, quizzically, ‘Are they talking about US?’ ‘Yup, that’s because I’m in charge!’ she replies. ‘Why don’t you start playing the song from, Gully Boy, when I come downstairs?’ SB asks them, cheekily. The Sher notices the excessive drinking, that makes her the natural enemy.

SC retreats back in to her shell. After the events of the past month, she knows she’s too much like her mum, to be able to survive the world, in one piece. The other day, while chatting with an acquaintance at half twelve, she realised going forward, the dominant personality will have to be the more aggressive one. ‘You care too much about what people think about you!’ says the acquaintance. ‘ People have been talking about me, since I was nine! But I do feel terribly hurt when they choose your weakest moments to wag their tongues knowing fully well that you are vulnerable in that moment. Next time, I will expect it.’ she replies. There won’t be any ‘Et Tu Brute’, moments!

‘This is all your fault!’, SB tells SC. ‘Have you not learnt, anything?’ ‘I don’t want to be a machine like you, always analysing.’ snaps back SC, knowing fully well, it’s a long way home. She just wants her lah, lah, land…her spot on the side of the Boulevard, a tazbi in one hand, staring into nothingness, away from prying eyes. But at the moment paradise is too far away.

Fasting

So she dressed up like this on Karva Chauth, deeply unhappy that she couldn’t fast. Due to her medication she wasn’t allowed to.

I kept the first Roza, of my life, today. At last! I’d been saying for over a decade, it seems like a fascinating process to put your body and mind through. So, this year, since Mum’s just gone and I am home bound, I thought I would try keeping them for two days before her birthday. I don’t know how people fast for such an extended period of time?